If you missed this week's episode of Game of Thrones, then run as fast as you can to the nearest HBO-friendly device and fire it up because "Hardhome" was, as the kids say, totally radical, dude! If you can't do that, then you can read my review of the episode by maneuvering your mouse cursor or mobile-friendly finger and "clicking" these words. And if you can't read, then go back to school, but first stay right here and look at this photo/.GIF recap of the episode's coolest sequence, the big battle between unshowered men and ice zombies.
Okay buckle your butts, because here we go!
(Also I lied a little bit in the headline. In addition to .GIFs there will be .JPGs and maybe even a .JPEG or two.)
(Also also, there are some .GIFs that need to load so why not read the rest of this sentence really slowly so that everything downloads in time?)
Jon Snow went north to the wildling village of Hardhome, which was a pretty ominous name for a place and nowhere I'd want to live. Ummm, maybe that was the problem? This massacre wouldn't happen in a place called Easyhome, Happy Valley, Dopetown, or The Chillage. But calling it Hardhome was a self-fulfilling prophecy. It may as well have been called Gravetown or Painburgh or Loser City. What kind of masochist and The Smiths fan founded this dump?
Anyway, Jon Snow was there to recruit wildlings to fight the White Walkers (the blue-eyed frostbitten bad people). Everyone was cool with each other and getting along really well.
But then dogs started screaming, and as you know, that meant either the mailman was here, an earthquake was coming, a squirrel was in the yard, a dog was being its usual annoying dog self, or a massive army of ice zombies was about to slaughter everyone. Can you guess which one it was?
Everyone there, wildling and crow alike, may have had their differences in lifestyle philosophies, but they were in agreement that OMFG was the correct response here. When Tormund's eyes pop out of his skull, you know something ain't right. This was a man who scaled a giant block of ice last season using two forks and never flinched. But here? He was terrified.
Remember this lady who was so obsessed with making sure her daughters were on a lifeboat, but don't get too attached to her. She's going to die. Rather ironically, might I add. (Oh, spoiler alert!)
We hadn't really seen an army of snow corpses attack in this show yet, so the big question was whether or not they would be of the George Romero variety, shambling and lethargic and easily dodge-able with a timely Matador sidestep, or whether they would be the stuff of nightmares like the 28 Days Later zombies, with scoot in their feeet, the physical coordination of a 12-year-old Chinese gymnast, and the appetite of a dieting cannibal on a master cleanse.
I'd say that guy was pretty sick of lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper.
At this point it became clear that calling them "zombies" made you look like an idiot, because (said in The Walking Dead's Shane voice) "let me tell you sumptin'", the number-one zombie-killing rule of "headshots put 'em down" did not apply as evidenced by this trickily edited and looping .GIF.
First of all, what a shot! Book that guy for Westeros' Got Talent or a Renaissance Faire children's birthday party or something. Second of all, now's the time to call the "zombies" by their correct name: wights. Not to be confused with White Walkers. Which is wightfully confusing. See, White Walkers make the wights. Out of white people in the white snow. But a White Walker isn't actually a wight. It's quite alwight to call them wights though, but if you want to be weally wight you should call wights wights so you aren't wong. Alwight?
This guy was just a showoff. See what I mean about headshots? Just a minor irritation for these dudes.
One of the heroes of the Battle of Hardhome was this Thenn. While everyone was running around in a panic like it was Black Thursday at K-Mart, he was chopping off arms that poked through the defensive wall. He was cool until he died. Dang, another spoiler. Sorry.
As if going over walls and through walls wasn't enough, the wights started going under walls, which was totally not fair.
Take that, cheater!
Where was Jon Snow through all this you're probably asking? Building up the balls to step into the fight, but he finally did, and his rallying cry to get the Night's Watch in the fight was inspirational!
That was okay though, because Jon Snow doesn't lead with words, he leads with fabulous hair and action. Like this bit of swordplay, which he calls the "Winterfell Whirling Willy."
But da real MVP was Wun Wun the Giant, who for some reason was the only Giant there. Where were his big pals? What about the mammoths? If there was one major oversight with this battle it's that there were no mammoths and no jetpacks. Anyway, it must be tough being Wun Wun with no friends and crouching inside human-sized homes all the time.
Lucky for him he was amazing. He discovered the easiest way to kill wights was to pull them apart like he was at a crawfish boil. He probably also wondered why the puny humans didn't do the same. C'mon humans, why can't you be more like Wun Wun ad pick up a wight with your bare hands and rip him apart?
And why can't humans just stomp on the wights like they were empty soda cans?
Humans were pretty much worthless here unless their goal was dying, then great job, humans.
Though most of the fight was between wight and man, one White Walker decided to join the fun. Just watch the flames retreat in his frigid presence! Dat's cold! Elsa from Frozen would have a case of the jellies. Also, please shoot me for making a Frozen reference.
This guy was a badass. Like, not only did he scare fire, but he had a sword that obliterated any other sword that it came in contact with. EVERY SINGLE SWORD IN THE UNIVERSE! Jon was no match for him and he killed Jon by smacking him off a ledge.
Oh, wait Jon didn't die, that would have been ballsy, even for this show. We'll have to question why the White Walker didn't stab Jon when he had the chance, though. It's like, learn to use a sword, dude. "Duhhhh which end should I use, duhhh?"
Oh about that every sword thing I mentioned above? Another lie. I mean all swords except Jon's special blade Longclaw, which was made out of Valyrian steel. I bet this will be an important detail to remember for later on in the series, so make a note of it in your Game of Thrones journal right next to your list of most bang-able Lannisters (Lancel No. 1).
And guess what? Valyrian steel slices, dices, and chops White Walkers, too! Now Samwell Tarly can't brag about being the only person to kill a White Walker and Gilly will be humping Jon in no time. Sorry, Sam, but you were playing way out of your league anyway.
Victory achieved, Jon Snow celebrated the only way he knew how: by barfing. I love barfing .GIFs, don't you?
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